“You is Blind”

13 Jan

My sight has never been perfect but I’ve managed to get by (in college I was Rosa Parks with my third row seat because the board would look like Picasso’s vomit any further back).  I saw a professional five years ago and he told me that I was far sighted or near sighted, whatever the one is where stuff is blurry far away.   But the doctor went on to say that some people don’t get glasses with this condition and some do.  Well of course I chose NOT to get glasses (they weren’t as trendy then?).  But now years later I finally couldn’t take it anymore.  Sitting in meetings I couldn’t read my boss’ face (was that idea I just pitched amazing? Or is he picking his nose?).  Attempting to find something worthwhile on tv was always a challenge, “Real World?! Gross, I thought I clicked on Real Housewives!”  Or try figuring out which aisle has the sugar when you can’t read the stupid signs.  So I got classy and took myself to the local Lens Crafters.

I LOVE seeing.  It’s pretty incredible.  But I started to feel as if wearing my glasses was in theory making my eagle eyes more delinquent.  To prove this wasn’t happening I gave myself a little test while visiting the happiest place in the world aka the DMV.

I showed up for my appointment to sadly relinquish my Minnesotan identity and get a California driver’s license.  I passed the written test, took an amazingly hideous photo and was all set to perform my vision test sans geek frames.  This is what happened:

Oversized man behind the counter: “Ok, read me B1.”

Me- “Sure, (pause) F G T S R V.”

Him- “Aiight, now cover an eye and read for me line B2”

Me- I cover one eye and can’t see crap so I covertly peek out from behind my hand to try and memorize the letters real quick…

Him- “Nahahaaah, whatchu think you doing!  Aint no cheating up in here.  Now cover your eye for reals and read me line C2.”

Me- Oops?… “okay, sorry.. umm F F (pause) T..”

Him- (cutting me off) “There ain’t no two F’s in a row!  Girl you is blind.  Where your glasses at?”

Me- defeated.  “In my purse.” I put them on.

Him- “Read line B5”

Me- I read it perfectly  “R D G Y E J”

Him- “That’s what I thought.  Tryin to get up outta here and go killn some foos in your car driving all blind.  I don’t care if you ain’t wear’n dem things up at da club, but when yous driving you best be havin those on yo face!  Now get on outta here.”

I can hear him muttering curses as I slink away clutching my approved temporary license.

And so now I am a California bat.  Could be worse I suppose, at least I can go to “da club” blind.


4 Responses to ““You is Blind””

  1. Nanny January 14, 2012 at 2:41 am #

    LOVE IT!!!!

  2. auntie p. January 15, 2012 at 4:58 pm #

    your tooo funny, u b testin in the hood?
    Welcome to the optically challenged club, there are a lot of members and we all look very smart even when we ain’t.

  3. auntie coon January 30, 2013 at 11:48 am #

    This is the first time I’ve seen this post – how did I miss it? I’ve been subscribed since you first started it! Very funny. :o)


  1. Poking my Eyeballs with my Fingers, over and over again. « The Under-Analyst - January 30, 2013

    […] all will remember that fateful day at the DMV when I was officially pronounced blind.  Well since then I’ve been dutifully wearing my awesome RayBan glasses.  At first it was […]

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